Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go camping. In the middle of the night, Holmes says "Watson, old friend, look up. What do you see?". "Well, Holmes", replies Watson, "Astronomically speaking, I see thousands of stars and potentially thousands of other galaxies. Chronologically speaking, I should say it's roughly 3am. Meteorologically speaking, my guess is that it will be a fine day tomorrow. Why, what do you see, Holmes?". "Watson", says Holmes, "someone has stolen our tent".

Post some jokes, people. The old jokes thread appears to have died a horrible death.

some Romantic Lines:

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
But I only slept with you, because I was p***ed.

I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
This describes everything you are not.

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe "Go To Hell".

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

I'm illustrating those^ :blink: :ok:


Here's some famous Groucho Marx lines:

Some of his lines as Capt. Spaulding from "Animal Crackers"

Capt. Spaulding: I'm sick of these conventional marriages. One woman and one man was good enough for your grandmother, but who wants to marry your grandmother? Nobody, not even your grandfather.

Capt. Spaulding: I used to know a fellow who looked exactly like you by the name of Emanuel Ravelli. Are you his brother?
Ravelli: I am Emanuel Ravelli.
Capt. Spaulding: You're Emanuel Ravelli?
Ravelli: I am Emanuel Ravelli.
Capt. Spaulding: Well, no wonder you look like him. But I still insist there is a resemblance.
Ravelli: Heh, heh, he thinks I look alike.
Capt. Spaulding: Well, if you do, it's a tough break for both of you.
Capt. Spaulding: [directly to camera] Well, all the jokes can't be good. You've got to expect that once in a while.

Capt. Spaulding: Regards. That's a fine letter, Jamison, that's an epic. That's dandy. Now, I want you to make two carbon copies of that letter and throw the original away. And when you get through with that, throw the carbon copies away. Just send a stamp, airmail, that's all. You may go, Jamison. I may go too.

Mrs. Rittenhouse: Captain, this leaves me speechless.
Capt. Spaulding: Well, see that you remain that way.

Capt. Spaulding: Africa is God's country, and he can have it. (he isn't racist >_> )

Capt. Spaulding: One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I don't know.

Capt. Spaulding: [talking about two women] How happy I could be with either of these two if both of them just went away.


If you wanna read more go to HERE

Two Warhammer 40k jokes:

How many Techpriests do you need to screw in a lightbulb?
Three. One to screw it in, second to recite the holy prayers to its machine spirit and third to swing the incense.

How many Inquisitors do you need to screw in a lightbulb?
Three. One to screw it in, second to outlaw the use of lightbulbs, third to deny their existence.

A rather dim one

How many people does it take to screw in a light blub?

I don't know, but it has to be one big light bulb

Another 40k joke:

How many Slaanesh cultists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Well, two of course... just don't ask me how they get in there.

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(JJXB @ Nov 1 2006, 04:38 AM) [snapback]264720[/snapback]</div>A definite poet, that's you dude LOL.
I'm gonna use these someday :).

What did the retard get for christmas?

Cancer

.......I'll get me coat :D

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Hatham @ Nov 9 2006, 06:11 PM) [snapback]266122[/snapback]</div>...just go, leave, get out.
(it was that bad)

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Hatham @ Nov 9 2006, 06:11 PM) [snapback]266122[/snapback]</div>I don't get it :huh: .....:D

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman were invited to Daffydd's christmas party, and they arrived at his door all at the same time. "So, what did you two bring to the party?", asked the Englishman, "I brought a christmas pudding"- "Ay, I brought a haggis for us to sink our teeth into", said the Scotsman. "What about you?" they both asked the Irishman. "I brought a pair of knickers" he said. "A pair of what? Knickers? What does knickers have to do with Christmas?", came the reasonable reply. "Well, they're Carrol's"

Ok, time for me to grab my coat as well :D