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[Playbahnosh]

I think this is my last post to this forum. I'm goint to hang myself if I have the courage...

I guess some of you know I h...had(I explain) a girlfriend for 2 years. We vere together because...I don't know. After years of pain and sorrow in the love department I finally needed a girlfriend, and I found her. Naive, unknowing girl who was kept away from the world by her parent. Almost easy prey for my sorrow-hardened soul and mind. Finally, after 4 "no"s and a hard struggle against her I got through her thin shield. Through 2 years we were out to change each other to our liking, but none of us would change. We just struggled through 2 years because I havent got the courage to leave her and she just got used to me, but did not accept me as I were. We had no common interests, no common tastes, I smoke she hates it...and so on. From this September she gone to university to Budapest and I gone to Veszprém(2 hours trip with train). We got separated, we only met in weekend IF we met, and sometimes on the way home. Now, 3 months ago, she cheated on me, decieved me and lied into my face. We talked it over, she was sorry. I knew she didn't meant to do it, but she is still to naive and has not enough life experience, so I kinda felt sorry for her. We got used to each other in two years. I still didn't had the courage to leave her, but something was broken inside me aleady.

It started 2 months ago. I got to know a girl, Gabi. She is in the same dorm, only 2 rooms away. We get to know each other, we started to spend more and more time together, watching movies till dawn, listening to music together, talking...simply not doing anything but that was awesome. I was happier than ever in my entire life. She was nice to me, she was caring about me, she could be count on, she was everything I ever dreamed of. She just came over to my room to see me, she brought me my favorite chocklate(80% cocoa, mmm) without me making a move towards her. I was practicly shocked. And last thursday we finally broke the shield and fell into each others arms in the most unpredictable moment. First time in my life a girl fell in love with me, and so did I the same time. It was more than beautiful, she told me she has a boyfriend, but I didn't care, why should I, I was finally happy.

But the happiness lasted only for so long. After we made our move this monday was the beginning of hell. Her boyfriend started to become an obvious problem. He didn't knew about what is going on beetween me and Gabi. But this question was my death. After two days of struggle today she finally made her decision and with tears in her eyes she said she chooses her boyfriend rather than me. I felt she still loves me, but still she couldn't let go of her boyfriend. But the damage was done, in this very night I broke up with Anikó. I finally had the drive, the sorrow and the pain drowe me to do it. Right after that my very best friend called me on phone telling he broke up with her year long girlfriend painfully. After ca. two hours I saw my roommate and his girlfriend argue, and the girl left crying, my roomate in pieces. Right after all this I went out to the corridor and saw my dorm teacher argue with his boyfriend, and with "you finally did it!" shout the guy left, dear Niki crying.

I'm sadly not making this up. Life falls apart around me and I have lost all hope. Love is a lost cause what I have have been pursuing ever since. I was always nice and fair to people. What did I done to deserve this? and all this in my 20th birthday

I just had nobody to turn to. If I can't tell anybody, then I tell it to everybody... Please forgive me... but I just can't take it anymore...

This song describes this whole thing as I see, I was listening to it 2 days now but I finally understand the meaning...

Nightwish - Beauty Of The Beast

Trees have dropped their leaves,
Clouds their waters
All this burden is killing me

Distance is covering your way,
Tears your memory
All this beauty is killing me

Oh, do you care,
I still feel for you
Oh, so aware,
What should be lost is there

I fear I will never, never find anyone
I know my greatest pain is, is yet to come
Will we find each other in the dark
My long lost love

Oh, do you care,
I still feel for you
Oh, so aware,
What should be lost is there

Oh, do you care,
I still feel for you
Oh, so aware,
What should be lost is there

Safely away from the world
In a dream, timeless domain
A child, dreamy eyed,
Mother's mirror, father's pride

I wish I could come back to you
Once again feel the rain
Falling inside me
Cleaning all that I've become

My home is far but the rest it lies so close
With my long lost love under the black rose
You told I had the eyes of a wolf
Search them and find the beauty of the beast

All of my songs can only be composed of the greatest of pains
Every single verse can only be born of the greatest of wishes
I wish I had one more night to live

A saint blessed me, drank me deeply
Spitting out the misery in me
Still a sinner rapes a thousand saints
Sharing the same hell with me

Sanest choice in this insane world:
Beware the beast but enjoy the feast he offers

Sanest choice in this insane world:
Beware the beast but enjoy the feast he offers

All of my songs can only be composed of the greatest of pains
Every single verse can only be born of the greatest of wishes
I wish I had one more night to live

Christabel

"Oh, sweet Christabel. Share with me your poem.
For I know now, I'm a puppet on this silent stage show.
I'm but a poet who failed his best play.
A Dead Boy, who failed to write an ending
To each of his poems."

[omg]

dude. it doesnt take courage to kill yourself.i t takes courage to stay alive in the face of your life going to pieces. dont even think like that. not over a girl man, i know its a cliche but you will meet someone else. go and find some freinds. get wasted maybe, but then drink can often make things worst, but it will probally help u sleep so u dont lie there awake thinking about this muck.
please dont let this be your last post. if it is im going to be worrying u have done something extremely stupid.

[Kearnsy]

These are some very though times for you, but doesn't mean you should give up! Think of how this love came suddenly into your life, it will happen again.

Just remember that good things happen to good people.
Dont dwell on the past, look forward to the future.

[Playbahnosh]

I still don't know if I did the right thing breaking up with Anikó I know she wasn't a dream girlfriend but she was the only soild point in my life so far, now lost.... Maybe I did a horrible thing, hurting people.... I feel like...i don't know... pain...

[Blood-Pigggy]

Hey man.
I had to be stuck in a isolatory room for 3 days once.
At the end of that I was crazy, maddened, and of course, suicidal. That was because of some freakish experiment that I WANTED to go into.
I was fed of course, but considering it was for charity, I couldn't really have cared.

I'm not sayin' I had it worse off than what happened with you, but I'm not going to say that you're a stupid coward for wanting to take your own life.

But I'm NOT going to say it's brave.
There were Privates in WW2 that blew out their brains from the tension in the battlefield.
But still, 20,000 American soldiers, and twice as many British beached on Omaha.

Ninety percent of those walked onto the beach, machine gun fire mowed down a good eighty percent of them as the ramps came down.
Hell yes, they were afraid, but they didn't go and cry.
Most of those soldiers realized that they needed to move up or DIE. They noticed that if they didn't get the German first, none of them were going to get out, NONE of them would survive, and forsaking your own life beforehand would've made sense.
Except it wouldn't have. Even though a good thousand of those soldiers fell on Omaha, a good bit of thousands marched up and overtook the bunkers.

They were all afraid, they were all sodden, trashed, and without a better word, screwed over.
They were going to have to march through rain drenched Europe, through muddy roads, and always under the watchful eye of Axis snipers.

This is just a crappy metaphor or analogy as you would wish it.
But surviving is truly a better fight, with a better outcome. However you may believe it, if you're going to fight through your horrid and agonizing moments, you'll truly fight for the better cause, you'll get through the bad, to reach the good.
There's a goal for everything, just like those soldiers in Omaha or Merderet, they fought because they knew that if they could just get through the war, everything would be better for the rest of man.
Freedom from tyranny in Germany, the Holocaust that fell over the Jewish would be destroyed, and all those German soldiers that had to suffer the same horrors (many of them were drafted, just like many Allied soldiers).

Just think about that.
It's your choice man. And the thing is, OMG is right, you will find someone else. And as he said, it is a cliche, but there are lots of other people out there, don't let a few arguments or breakups let that get in your way.

Your life is your own and whatever the hell made that life, just because someone else is jerky about your feelings, don't let it come over you.

[cheesegrater]

No

[allyfaucet]

Facing your challenges and taking courage through adversity is--by far--the best move and strength in character that you will have. I know the feelings you're going through right now, but don't get that desparate. omg is right, you need friends. You should try and get busy with your life, focus more on schoolwork, get involved in something to help other people, spend time with good friends for easy fun. You can do it, don't be silly and waste your life and so much potential over a girl and some problems. It's not worth it.

[ReamusLQ]

Girls are never worth it...no matter how special you think they may be (unless of course, you are married or something close to that)

[Sebatianos]

Play, friend, do not despare. I haven't much time to go into detail, so I'll post a complete reply later (or maybe even through PM), but I just want you to know something that life is a very strange and often cruel adventure. One you simly have to stick out 'till the end to really enjoy. You are at a very difficult stage obviously, but hiding from problems and pain (yes, killing yourself is nothing the running and trying to hide) can not be the solution. The worst thing that can happen to somebody is to loose hope, so do not despair.

Sorry for the shallownes of this post, I will give you my full reply later on today (I promise).

I know this may seem like only a feible attempt of comforting, but here goes:
For Play(ing)

BTW: Are Gabi and Edina the same person (or were there more girls you've met there and had such an experiance with)?

[#BlakhOle#]

You think too much playbahnosh. just try to push it to the back of your mind, put on a smile, and just keep waking up in the morning, knowing that some force of nature put you on the face of the earth for a reason. You may not know what that reason is yet, but you will one day. Maybe Gabi will realise just what she left and come back, or her other boyfriend will find another girl or something. Maybe he'll commit suicide, and Gabi will feel shes got nowhere to go, then you move in for the kill! nicely of course... Who knows what tomorrow will bring.