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[Kelbert]

Donkey Kong

So tonight i decided to have another bash at donkey kong that i really only like to play on the old VFD bleepers that take watch batteries and you cant get them wet else it makes the screen go weird.
it is still as annoying and pointless as i remember which is good because it means that most of the memories from my childhood are intact and that they are not so traumatic that i blank them out like some kids do that had traumatic childhoods and that kind of thing.

it is a lot like the old game magic mushrooms that i used to like playing. that one was a bit better than donkey kong cos you not only had to avoid things that would take away one of your characters lives but had to collect stuff too.
i think that bubble bobble is my favourite game in this format however the gameplay is very different but thats ok because of two reasons. the first is that this is my review so i can put wtf i like in it so long as there are connexions no matter how spooky and secondly i dont care.

one thing it did make me remember in between me yelling at my monitor and throwing the ps3 remote against the wall (it is fun to use the ps3 remote for games because xbox remote totally sux no offence but its shit and worse than n64 remote that i am sure some people did use sexually) is that if i am to watch a cartoon meant specifically for little girls - it will most likely be MLP because MLP is sick.

:-= MLP == WIN =-:

however i think that my favourite MLP is in fact silver spoon because she is like that girl character in films that is really hot but noone notices and even the audience thinks she isnt as hot as say liv tyler who really isnt as hot as the chick who is always after the main guy character who doesnt see she is the hottest girl in the entire universe. or she is with some asshole bf and it makes me think that he is a douche for being an asshole to her because she is the sweetest and hottest girl in the entire universe.

i would totally do silver spoon so long as she got laser surgery to remove that stupid tattoo from her arse areas.

before anything like that could ever happen i think it is best to first assume gangnam style
http://youtu.be/9bZkp7q19f0

ok now i am in the mood for dancing romancing oohhh im giving it all tonight.
http://i.imgur.com/QRIw2.png

I wonder why imgur has saved one as a jaypeeg and one as a punguy
i like this banana smiley. the gorilla is not supposed to look like marcellus wallace from pulp fiction but he kind of does

[Kelbert]

Jet Pac (1983 Speccy / 1984 BBC Micro version)

Hello everyone. i do not really feel like doing a review atm as i am sad but i have been in bed and hiding under the duvet with my laptop while eating blue doritos and guacamole for about 2 hours playing a game that you do not have at abandonia that i think is fun anyway. it is called jet pac [sic] as the title says.
in it you must collect parts to your rocket ship while avoiding coloured um... things.

interestingly the very first games mag charts that came out for spectrum had this game at number 1. idk about the bbc version but who cares right? i mean it is a point of fact that only real geeks would want to discuss which is why i am dropping the subject because i might be a real geek but i am not only a real geek.

also interestingly i am now single ladies so pls form a queue if you want to spend some time with an obese sweating person who rarely leaves the house and refuses to wash or shave more than a few times a month. i also do not flush the toilet every time but i do rinse my hands for 3 seconds under the cold tap before wiping them on my kfc encrusted chinos.
i have joined an internet dating service since i did break up with my gf and you can see my profile and pic here: http://tiny.cc/w77njw

anyway enough of my problems i am sure you are not interested in my plights and trials that involve jet packing about avoiding coloured things in order to collect parts of a rocket ship so i can get to the next level.

one thing i like about being sad and playing old games while in a duvet tent is that it makes me think of all the other stuff that was around that time. for instance this game is from 1984 (the bbc one) and george orwell wrote a nice film about 1984 when he was in the past and it was about going into space to negotiate the removal of an umbrella corp by nuclear disarmament.

here is a scene from the film:

:-= the future's bright; the future's a dingy reddy-brown colour =-:

so anyway you could give it a whirl because i have found a place to play it online if you really want to see what all the fuss is about.
http://www.twinbee.org/hob/play.php?snap=jetpac

it is nice that some things never change or get better or worse because then it is the same and that is nice.

[Kelbert]

Monkey Island

While you are reading this review i think it would be good if you first clicked on this link so you can be like me and go "wow that is the best computer game music i have ever heard EVAR and im not even joking!!!".
http://youtu.be/mYZXNVHVfhc

ok now you have the background music i will review the game but i dont think i really need to because you already know that it is bloody brilliant. at least the 1st and 2nd one is even tho the 2nd one is way better.
the 3rd one is also pretty cool and i have it on scummvm along with lots of other games that i like to play.

one bit i didnt really like in number 4 was the bit with munkey kombat. it was trying to be a bit like the others with insult swordfighting but it was not like that and at the end you had to draw 3 times with lechuck and that is why it took me so long because i am a bit thick and rage quit when winning didnt win and neither did losing.

the telltale ones are quite funny and make me LOL a lot. so does strong bad and also sam n max. back to the future is ok but i havent finished it i am on episode 4 now and really cant be arsed with it because i have the walking dead games and law and order legacies that i finished the other day.

the walking dead game is ace and lots of my friends come round to play it with the ps3 remote on my pc with the biggest monitor so they can sit in my massive boss chair that i use for relaxing in front of my pc with a game when i use the ps3 remote.
i highly recommend it even though it seems to be taking them an inordinate amount of time to release the episodes. i do not care but on facebook ppl are always slagging off telltale and making death threats against them if they do not hurry up. that is very stupid to act like a baby and i hope that you do not do that kind of thing.

:-= this is what guybrush thinks of monkey kombat =-:

i was going to do another game called battle chess but then me and my internet buddy called fortisbro who were talking about chess and stuff decided to talk about monkey island and we said that the first ones were best. it is nice to have my opinions validated so this is a tribute to the chatbox.

i am still having problems getting used to gimp 2.8, even though it is a lot better and has a million more functions; it can take a lot longer to perform the same action that took micro-seconds in gimp 2.6.

[TotalAnarchy]

To be frank the aliens in Jetpac look more original than, say, in Sword of the Stars where besides humans there are three types of aliens, insect-like aliens, gorilla-like aliens and dolphin-like aliens. Quite hilarious.

As for MI, I still think Monkey Island 2's ending is the worst.

[Kelbert]

I have no idea wtf was happening at the end of MI2. It still confuses and scares me.
I prefer this one, which wouldn't be so brill if it wasn't for the fact that the original was so bizarre and terrible:

http://youtu.be/m-CTx-S9f-8

[Kelbert]

Brit Indie Bundle

if you were paying attention you will have noticed that there was a bunch of so called indie games put together in a bundle for you to buy the other day.
it consisted of several games that i will list for your convenience:

• ben there dan that
  and
• time gentlemen please
• gratuitous space battles
• revenge of the titans
• eufloria
• defcon
• frozen synapse
• and maybe another one that i cant remember

i have most of these games already but i really wanted to play eufloria because i like experimental games and also vector graphics. that is why i like to play pixeljunk eden.

out of all of these the worst ones are probably gratuitous space battles which is just boring and also frozen synapse which is over complicated and fiddly.
these games would be better suited to mobile devices or sanitary pads imho because that is the attention span that they deserve.

us british people like our games because we have a long tradition of having to stay indoors and saying, "ee by gum lad check outside its belting cats and dogs it is flippin eck tucker".
that is why we all pwn so hard and make the best games ever. you might think that the best games are made by french and canadian people because ubisoft and square enix/io interactive are the best studios in the galaxy, but you would be wrong. we just put on silly accents and eat a lot of garlic to put you on the wrong track.

i was going to say wrong scent but puns make me go ugggh which is what french sounds like when those people open their mouths and noises come out.

the best ones are eufloria, defcon and revenge of the titans because i like tower defence games and often you can find me playing pixeljunk monsters 2player with my godson on the ps3 at his house.

:-= brits pwn cos summer sucks so much =-:

anyway you have missed the chance to get millions of great games for the price of less than one because you are late and should have gotten up earlier. they do not say the early bird catches the worm for no reason. worms get up especially early and goto bed early too so that is why that is true. just ask my mates jim or his mrs phillipa or my mate beth what are coming round to play the walking dead game this weekend cos they finally released episode 3.

also please do not tell anyone that i said frozen synapse sucks because i went to the pub with the devs in nottingham which isnt far from me when it was released and we all had a party and drank girly cocktails and i kissed a lady and we all said it was a jolly good wheeze eh what old bean.

i think that particular rain effect is ok but if you reduce the RGB noise a bit it probably looks better. it is easy to reproduce if you also want to add the british effect to any of your pictures and it only takes a few seconds and i have even written some script-fu and uploaded it to gimp as a plug-in so you dont even have to follow instructions and im not even joking.

[Kelbert]

Daley Thompson's Decathalon

Perhaps you have already been paying attention at the back there and have already noticed that it is the paralympic games which isnt about jumping out of airplanes but they do have this one cool game that i will tell you about. right after you have put on the opening ceremony which was a bit cool but a bit sell out and so i feel ambivalent towards it:

http://youtu.be/KfmpxaLl6c4

idk not know why disabled people have to always make a big deal out of being disabled and then wonder why other people do and they dont like being made a fuss of.

it is the most amazing stephen hawking and orbital having a jam session. for real. way better than the regular olumpicses.
the really cool game i was telling you about is this one for blind people (i do a website for blind people who want to watch films - i prefer films you can listen to which is why the hunger games sucked so much even when you opened your eyes) where they all have blindfolds to make sure no-one is peeking cheating and then they have to stop a ball from getting into their goal.
they just listen for it.

so this reminded me of another retarded paralympic game that is called daley thompson so i did play it and found that you have to turn your ps3 remote to have digital buttons cos the analogue modes really screw the game up.
you could use the mouse i guess but what fun is that?

:-= the mouse is joining in so they dont notice they could be talking about her =-:

it would of course be way more fun to play it with a little 1 button atari joystick but i dont have one of those things.
i also played frogger which is pretty good and has some nice colours and hard bits after level 7 and also i played some more deus ex and arx fatalis because they are both class.
i cant get arx fatalis to work with the ps3 remote because it has too many controls to bind in order to play well. plus drawing the magic runes can prove difficult. means i have to sit on my office chair instead of my big comfy recliner but thats ok cos then i can play eufloria and zombie shooter 2 as well.

loremipsem is what you are supposed to put in blank spaces i read that one time.

[TotalAnarchy]

I really dig those Portal pictograms.

[Kelbert]

ha! yea man they are pretty neat.
I'm just installing Black Mesa to check that out - you can get a torrent download here:

http://www.gameupdates.org/details.php?id=5152&dllist=1

[Kelbert]

Seven Days a Skeptic

wow you know that i played this game right well its really really good. though if you do not like old graphic adventures because you only play WoW or fighting games on xbox like a r-tard like my mate steve then you might not like it cos it is a bit hard sometimes and even though there is a lift in the spaceship you have to walk everywhere and can't double click the edge of the screen to gtfo faster.

i find that a little annoying sometimes too but i have perseverance which is a good quality to have in people. i though that the game was quite scary and as good as Downfall which if you haven't played please find and play. it is also an adventure game and it is pretty damn scary let me tell you. and some of the artwork is great and when i look at it i am not sure if i feel sexually excited or disgusted because the feeling is in the pit of my stomach.

that is probably a bit of a weird thing to say but i think that if you have the internet then you are a colossal pervert since there is soooo much filth on the net and i'm not even joking ok? just turn off safe search on google (happy birthday google - you have made my life so much better by providing an excellent search engine and all the pron i could eat) and you can indulge your excesses TO TEH MAX!!!!!!1!!

So my review of Seven Days a Skeptic is that of awesomeness because i really needed a good adventure like that since i hadn't changed my underpants for a few days and they were getting smelly anyway.

:-= Seven Derply Sins =-:

this weekend i am in a dead or alive 5 tournament and my mate jim is coming with steve and hopefully this girl called jade who is really nice and smiley all the time if a little coarse but we can sort that out and help her quit smoking fags and wear less foundation and make up and stuff.
my mate jim is like giant haystacks and his weights are the kind that you had in 1800s that are balls with handles and you need a stripy bathing suit and moustache if you want to lift them. i can't lift the 30kg one its so heavy.

i'm such a wimp... :/

ok previews, don't fail me now!!!