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[Kelbert]

Hello, i am Kelbert and i like to make things on the computer and in real life sometimes too.

I am an intern in a design department and i hope to goto canada at the end to make even more awesome games than the ones i already play.

Since i am not so good with writing i am going to review the games i play here in a way that lets you understand how i feel when i play them, and maybe offer some spoilers to totally ruin the experience for you if you decide to play them later.

[Kelbert]

Super Atomic BomberMan

When my mate Jim comes around and brings his dirty consoles we can play super bomberman.

i have the pc version on disc but i don't have the dongle for copy protection which isn't a problem cos you just need to edit the .exe but there is another problem that is a bigger one: i do not have any disc drives that will interface with my motherboard and i have even tried shouting at the disc in a threatening manner but it still won't tell me how to put it on my computer.

My favourite thing about super bomberman is that you can make it more interesting by ponying up some kind of wager.
me and jim usually play for each other's clothes, because he has some cool ubisoft t-shirts that i want to wear occasionally. he just likes my shoes but you have to be fair so we just say "ok lets play for them all".

:-=you can click the little picture to make it bigger=-:

I do not think you have truly experienced super atomic bomberman until you have played it when you have no clothes on with your friends on your telly on their SNES.

hmm i do not know how to resize things into a thumbnail preview

[Kelbert]

Scorched Earth: [neglectful] Mother of All Games

As a younger person i used to play this game with my friends over at their house on their 386 desktop. it was good cos we got to have turns in the hotseat.
if you were in the hotseat you had to take your turn really really fast as there is a time limit and the other players would try to make you waste your time because you had to do a bucket and a shot of tequila while you aimed your MIRV.

that and the cluster bomb were my favourite cos you could make the colour set to be neon or primary or uber-technicolour. no-one else really liked the more outlandish sets but i didnt care cos i was fast at taking my turn so i could goto options and make it so it was the one i wanted AND turn it back before my go ended.

one of the people i would play with was my mate carl's gf and she had some kids with someone else so carl was sad and he cried a bit and so we didn't like her any more.

I found out that she is a bit of a slapper so it makes sense that she would also be a neglectful mother and so whenever i think of scorched earth i think of that situation where my mate was crying and how all i wanted to do was for him to have his go so the rest of us could finish the game.

:-= teh neglectful mother of all games =-:

For the record: I really like Skyrim (my 1st character is level 72 now) and think it is the best Elder Scrolls game to date.
I would not allow its older brothers to bully it and say it has a terrible magic system and is too easy after level 7.

the magic system in arx fatalis is an interesting one. similar to black and white.

[Kelbert]

Spy vs Spy, Dance Revolution, Team Fortress 2

Sometimes i like to get out the old dance mat close the curtains and angle the lampshade so it is like i am on stage and dancing (well moving my legs cos if i use my arms i knock things over sometimes and they can break) for a hot girl that is turned on by watching me play dance revolution.

there are some classic tunes that i like to bang out sometimes but i prefer to play traditional scottish folk music and sword dance the steps:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BTPj93TttZs

but on that particular track i can never get the highest score compared to my friends because i always try to pull off some seriously sick moves while they just step about like they are dancing hardstyle shuffle which everyone knows is for poofs.

anyway i was just thinking about what initials to put in when i totally pwnd everyone and got highscore for being the best dancer out of me and my mate phil cos i usually do ASS but i thought i could do KKK but thats racist and if i was called Kelbert Isa Dude then i coulda put KID but thats a bit lame so i stuck with ASS.
but then suddenly the power ran out and i was very upset and my bottom lip wobbled a bit but it was ok cos my mate phil says to me, "don't be upset mate you should be proud cos they were some killer sick sweet moves you just did on dance revolution and i'm not even joking" and that made me feel better even tho i had never gotten number 1 score on that track before.

because i am paranoid, i thought it is a big conspiracy to make me change the initials that i use to enter when i get on the scoreboard cos some people don't LOL or ROFL or even PMSL as much as i do about it.
hey that is a good idea - i will use LOL now sometimes too.

it might have been the work of some nefarious agents of a power with interests in screwing with my life. i am sure you all know what i am talking about but you don't have to say because there is a stigma attached to being a paranoid loony.

cos i was playing Spy vs Spy i thought it might definitely be agents but it was just that he has a key meter and so the credit for his electric had run out cos he is poor and lives on a council estate and smells of sour milk even when he comes out of the shower.
that game is so hard. i thought i could beat it now i am a grown up but the computer still wins. totally sucks. i played for 2 hours and it took me 1 hour to figure out the keys and then the last 30 mins was spent with me swearing at it.

my mate said to go play TF2 with him instead to cheer up but i hate TF2 cos it isn't as good as other games that i play and ppl are racist and mean to me all the time on it.
i only have it so i can trade the items i get on steam (for free) with all the thick ppl who want to give me games for it.
i like to watch the videos ppl make on garrys mod though. they make me LLAFL sometimes.

:-= i always enter my initials as ASS cos i am funny =-:

if you like TF2 then you will notice that there is a character in it called "the spy" who has the same name as the spies from spy vs spy which i do not think is a coincidence so someone has been totally ripping off TF2 again.

I have put all 3 games that i did play in the same review because i might not have any time to play games for this week cos it is busy cos of release dates coming soon so we all have to work really really hard even though people will find a million faults with it anyway.

no i will not trade you a bills hat for portal 2 cos i know you have a 75% off ticket so give me that and another game and i will give you the deus ex 3 items.

[Kelbert]

Dishonored

Even though i usually say to myself that i will not be paying full price for any games any more and especially not pre-ordering i have done just that several times over the past few months.

i have gotten farcry 3 hitman 5 and dishonored. dishonored is the first to be released out of the three so i am thinking about that one atm.

the guy in it is called corvo which to me sounds a bit like kurwa that is a swear word in some languages that you might or might not know. the videos make it look good but then they always do that and the screenshots are pretty cool. however rage looked cool and ended up being a bit lamer than it was supposed to be and dont even get me started on wet. that game totally sucked and i decided that bethesda must be high or something to make that kind of thing. sell outs.

i am quite nervous about it now because i couldve spent the money on a pizza delivery tonight instead and even been able to afford extra chicken strippers.

:-= i will not rage =-:

Here is hoping that i have made a good decision and that dishonored will be a most awesome game as good as deus ex mixed with thief mixed with hitman mixed with mirrors edge mixed with half life.

in some ways i hope it is just dishonored and not a mix of anything tho it is inevitable that it will have elements of play from other games since things evolve slowly in the world of computer gaming.

and it came with free arx fatalis, that i have also been playing lately. now i have 2 copies of it.

[Kelbert]

hello - i know this has nothing to do with games today, but I thought I would share a few more frames that go either side of the one in the "review" above:

http://i.imgur.com/xwNEF.jpg

http://i.imgur.com/ps1ez.jpg

If anyone would like to see the finished scene, I will post that when the lettering and layout is complete. However, you are advised that it is quite mature in content and some people may find it upsetting

I will not post the back frame, since that only works in layout and also it would spoil the story!

[TotalAnarchy]

Is that from a to-be-published comic, or something online?

[Kelbert]

yes - forthcoming material : )

[Kelbert]

Donkey Kong

So tonight i decided to have another bash at donkey kong that i really only like to play on the old VFD bleepers that take watch batteries and you cant get them wet else it makes the screen go weird.
it is still as annoying and pointless as i remember which is good because it means that most of the memories from my childhood are intact and that they are not so traumatic that i blank them out like some kids do that had traumatic childhoods and that kind of thing.

it is a lot like the old game magic mushrooms that i used to like playing. that one was a bit better than donkey kong cos you not only had to avoid things that would take away one of your characters lives but had to collect stuff too.
i think that bubble bobble is my favourite game in this format however the gameplay is very different but thats ok because of two reasons. the first is that this is my review so i can put wtf i like in it so long as there are connexions no matter how spooky and secondly i dont care.

one thing it did make me remember in between me yelling at my monitor and throwing the ps3 remote against the wall (it is fun to use the ps3 remote for games because xbox remote totally sux no offence but its shit and worse than n64 remote that i am sure some people did use sexually) is that if i am to watch a cartoon meant specifically for little girls - it will most likely be MLP because MLP is sick.

:-= MLP == WIN =-:

however i think that my favourite MLP is in fact silver spoon because she is like that girl character in films that is really hot but noone notices and even the audience thinks she isnt as hot as say liv tyler who really isnt as hot as the chick who is always after the main guy character who doesnt see she is the hottest girl in the entire universe. or she is with some asshole bf and it makes me think that he is a douche for being an asshole to her because she is the sweetest and hottest girl in the entire universe.

i would totally do silver spoon so long as she got laser surgery to remove that stupid tattoo from her arse areas.

before anything like that could ever happen i think it is best to first assume gangnam style
http://youtu.be/9bZkp7q19f0

ok now i am in the mood for dancing romancing oohhh im giving it all tonight.
http://i.imgur.com/QRIw2.png

I wonder why imgur has saved one as a jaypeeg and one as a punguy
i like this banana smiley. the gorilla is not supposed to look like marcellus wallace from pulp fiction but he kind of does

[Kelbert]

Jet Pac (1983 Speccy / 1984 BBC Micro version)

Hello everyone. i do not really feel like doing a review atm as i am sad but i have been in bed and hiding under the duvet with my laptop while eating blue doritos and guacamole for about 2 hours playing a game that you do not have at abandonia that i think is fun anyway. it is called jet pac [sic] as the title says.
in it you must collect parts to your rocket ship while avoiding coloured um... things.

interestingly the very first games mag charts that came out for spectrum had this game at number 1. idk about the bbc version but who cares right? i mean it is a point of fact that only real geeks would want to discuss which is why i am dropping the subject because i might be a real geek but i am not only a real geek.

also interestingly i am now single ladies so pls form a queue if you want to spend some time with an obese sweating person who rarely leaves the house and refuses to wash or shave more than a few times a month. i also do not flush the toilet every time but i do rinse my hands for 3 seconds under the cold tap before wiping them on my kfc encrusted chinos.
i have joined an internet dating service since i did break up with my gf and you can see my profile and pic here: http://tiny.cc/w77njw

anyway enough of my problems i am sure you are not interested in my plights and trials that involve jet packing about avoiding coloured things in order to collect parts of a rocket ship so i can get to the next level.

one thing i like about being sad and playing old games while in a duvet tent is that it makes me think of all the other stuff that was around that time. for instance this game is from 1984 (the bbc one) and george orwell wrote a nice film about 1984 when he was in the past and it was about going into space to negotiate the removal of an umbrella corp by nuclear disarmament.

here is a scene from the film:

:-= the future's bright; the future's a dingy reddy-brown colour =-:

so anyway you could give it a whirl because i have found a place to play it online if you really want to see what all the fuss is about.
http://www.twinbee.org/hob/play.php?snap=jetpac

it is nice that some things never change or get better or worse because then it is the same and that is nice.