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- Under xp. Game gets kicked in the face by xp's "uncompatibility mode" - instant crash to desktop[/b]
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I presume you have already tried [PROPERTIES]-->[COMPATIBILITY] ?
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can't find ANY soundcard at all, autoconfig is busted, recognises strange SB values[/b]
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Try forcing it to Sound Blaster 16, IRQ 7, DMA 1, Adress 220.
Failing that, try using Virtual PC 2004 running Windows 95 or 98.
If the game crashes as bad in DosBox as you say, try contacting the DosBox dev team. They just might try fixing that for the next release (like they did after I reported issues with Norton Commander).
There is also the "other option" for the source of your problem: are you sure your copy of the game hasn't been corrupted? Had that happen to me a couple times (most notably with Fatty Bear, which is why I didn't review it earlier).