Hey Dave, thanks. Your English is far better than my ideas.
About "this moment". Well, I'm sorry, but it isn't really "this moment". Truth is you can take all those LOL smileys I tossed around in the sb and know I was never laughing out loud, more pretending to myself and you guys.
I don't know really, about friends. I keep wasting friendship, getting semi-friendly with the wrong crowd (not any of you guys
) and I'm sick of it. Like in the post above, it takes a lot more courage and faith from me to dare getting friendly with people and love is right out for as long as this continues. The risk of losing friends and loved ones is a bit too great when I know I'm still in the middle of it. I lost very good friends over the years, people who went out of their way to be there, but I suppose their frustration over my eternal negativity, lack of progress and me always looking out for answers chased them off if I didn't went all the way and went apeshit.
About God. I've prayed from time to time, but truth is I lost faith in the mere possibility of a God at a pretty early age. I think perhaps for some, God will be what they call a sensation of coming out of a rut. For the record, I'm an agnostic nowadays
I just prefer to see the God myself instead of having anyone telling me there is one.
Anyway, thanks. I still look for the feeling I have made the first step. There's a lot of negativity in the way so I don't really expect me to feel it until I have made several more.