I came to realise something just now, dude.
You watch Dr. House? If not, I suggest you do so. If you are, you will know what I'm talking about. IMHO, you are not only miserable, but...you like being miserable. You revel in it, you play in it like a child in the mud, smear the unhappyness and darkness all over yourself. Not in the meaning of "like" being unhappy, you just got addicted to it. You know addiction works, right? You can't give up something. Well, nobody said people can only be addicted to positive things. I think you are addicted to negativity, and can't really give it up. You depend on others to make you feel good about yourself, to comfort you, to help you, to tell you that you are more than you are...etc. Been there, done that. And it indeed helped me to feel good for hours, days, even weeks. But often I realised too late, that I did not really wanted them to help me. I just wanted them to do what I couldn't do myself. My friends were all trying to make me feel better, but no matter what they said, I reacted negatively, I pointed out the bad side of what they were saying. Yes, they made me feel better, but I did found negative things in their reasoning and I told them. I was waiting for the ultimate positive, the ultimate answer to my pain that will change my life. They kept cheering me up, but I kept bombarding them with negativity, with disbelief, and too late I realised what I was doing, when they gave up on me saying "I don't know what else to say to you". And suddenly, my IV of positive was cut. I realised I used the negative remarks to make them say more positive to me, to make me feel good, to do what I can't do myself, but there is only so much rejection and denying a man can take before giving up you, and the IV stops. In extreme cases I even made them hate me, which made things even worse. Fully depending on friends to make you feel better is very bad. Soon they will fade away from you, and won't know why. This is why. Think about it.
I think I know enough about you to recommend something. I think you are ready for it now. If you can, get the movie called "What the *beep* do we know?", and watch it. It's a half-documentary, an educational film, about humans, biology, chemistry, quantum-physics and finding "yourself". It's about your place in the world. I know it sounds confusing and "yeah, right", but please bare with me for a sec. That movie changed my view of the world, twisted me in a good way, made me realise many things, including how people can do certain things without knowing it, how certain things influence us that are beyond our comprehention. Don't worry it's very interesting AND understandable at once, if you watch it with an open mind. Generally people have two opinions about it: the first group will tell you how awesome it is, and the other will react ignorant saying it's a bunch of semi-scientific humbug and it's utterly childish. I hope your are in the first group. In my opinion, you would benefit greatly from that movie. "What the *beep* do we know?" is the title. It won't do any harm watching it, I promise.
You will find some answers in there, particularly about the thing I said, the reveling in darness stuff.
HERE IS SOMETHING YOU MIGHT LIKE TO READ. Also, that. Read some more pwot. You will laugh your behind off, and get some parts of you together also. I don't recommend reading "Embrace The Horror" article, if you are not up to some heavy mindf#&@, but it is interesting.
Hmm.... I want to help you so much, because I think you remind me of myself. I've been there, where you are now. I felt that way. But I also realised that I can't tell you what to do, because you don't believe me. Don't deny it, you just don't, I know. Only YOU can help yourself.
I know it's hard to digest, and you will probably hate me for what I'm about to say, but I will say it nonetheless: You are no special snowflake. You are not a delicate little being to be pitied. Face the hard truth, you are just another human being, and you gotta cope with your problems, because nobody else will cope with them for you. Because nobody else CAN. You don't have depression, you don't have any sort of phsycological condition, you are NOT sick. You don't need a doctor. You just need a huge slap in the face from life itself, so you go faceplanting six stories down. No matter how much we tell you about it, you won't really get it until you are there yourself. It might seem harsh but it's true. Don't think you are special, because you are in fact not. You can tell yourself what every life-improving book and doc will tell you, that you are special, and you have a special purpose and a special place in life, but that will just make things worse. It's male cow exrement. You will think about yourself as outside LIFE, above it, because you are special, better than the "others". But soon, you'll face it that you just one of the "others". You have to carve your own way out of the rock, what will make you special, you are not inherently one. Stop pitying yourself, stop over-analysing and thinking junk. It won't help. Accept yourself, accept who you are, stop veiling on your problems, and face the road before you. Don't loathe or hate yourslef. Love yourself, because you are stuck with that person in the mirror for all ethernity, and you can't go on hating that person forever, because he knows what you think, he knows what you'll do, and he can help you. Listen to him. Think about the future, but don't get lost in it. It's your life, and only you can live it. Stop reveling in your problems, and start living your life. Learn, paint, get girls, talk to people, work, watch TV, play games, and forget about this "I'm so depressed, please help me" bullshhhh. That's the best advice I can give you, and possibly the only one.
I'd like to help you but I can't do anything more at this point. All that I told you in this thread is my personal experience, validated by life itself. You don't believe any of it, and it's fine. I didn't either when a good friend of mine told me all this. But I thought about it. I tought "what the hell, let's give it a try, how much worse can it get", and I did go for it. And here am I now, tell you all this. That's all, it's your job from here on. As Morpheus said "I can only show you the door, but you must enter it yourself". And don't try. As your own sig says "Try not. Do, or do not, but don't try". Wise man, that Yoda :amused: That's all I could say. I gave you pointers, things to read/watch, and questions to ask yourself. Good luck, dude! You gonna need it!
