~The telephone rings and an answering machine answers...
"Welcome to the psychiatric hotline."
If you are obsessive compulsive, please press one repeatedly.
If you are co-dependant, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid/delusional, we know who you are, what you want, just stay on the line so that we can trace your call.
If your are a schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If your are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press....no one will answer anyways
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~A guy walked into a cafe and asked for a bowl of chili. The waitress said, "The guy next to you got the last bowl." He looks ofer and sees that the guy's bowl of chili is full. He says, "If you're not going to eat that, mind if I taek it?" The other guy says, "No, help yourself." He starts to eat it and abokut halfway down, his fork hits something. It's a dead mouse, and he vomits the chili back into the bowl. The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too."
(that one makes me kinda hungry)
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~A man walks into a welfare office to collect his check.
He walks up to the teller and tells her,
"You know, I'm really tired of coming down here...I think I might get a job."
The receptionist looks at him, and says,
"I've actually just had an opening for a chauffer to be employed by a millionaire. You'll need to drive around his 22-year-old nymphomaniac daughter, including accompaning her to any overseas trips. All meals and housing is included, and the starting salary is $75,000."
The man is stunned,
"You're bullshitting me..."
"Hey, you started it!"
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