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[A. J. Raffles]

Right: OMG, you're a brilliant 25-year-old rugby player who did A-levels in Physics and Home Economics (you were slightly drunk when you filled out the forms and by the time you realised your mistake, there was no way to change). This has changed your life forever insofar, as you now know how to make a wicked lemon meringue pie, even though you still think French may have been a better choice. You're a smoker (but you're about to change that) and you have an unexplained fondness for wearing odd-looking woolly hats. Your wife's name is Janet and your dog's name is Lucy, which happens to be your little sister's name as well. You didn't brush your teeth this morning after having toast for breakfast, but you'll go and do it straight after reading this. Brush your teeth, I mean. Not have breakfast all over again.