«

[Kelbert]

Brit Indie Bundle

if you were paying attention you will have noticed that there was a bunch of so called indie games put together in a bundle for you to buy the other day.
it consisted of several games that i will list for your convenience:

• ben there dan that
  and
• time gentlemen please
• gratuitous space battles
• revenge of the titans
• eufloria
• defcon
• frozen synapse
• and maybe another one that i cant remember

i have most of these games already but i really wanted to play eufloria because i like experimental games and also vector graphics. that is why i like to play pixeljunk eden.

out of all of these the worst ones are probably gratuitous space battles which is just boring and also frozen synapse which is over complicated and fiddly.
these games would be better suited to mobile devices or sanitary pads imho because that is the attention span that they deserve.

us british people like our games because we have a long tradition of having to stay indoors and saying, "ee by gum lad check outside its belting cats and dogs it is flippin eck tucker".
that is why we all pwn so hard and make the best games ever. you might think that the best games are made by french and canadian people because ubisoft and square enix/io interactive are the best studios in the galaxy, but you would be wrong. we just put on silly accents and eat a lot of garlic to put you on the wrong track.

i was going to say wrong scent but puns make me go ugggh which is what french sounds like when those people open their mouths and noises come out.

the best ones are eufloria, defcon and revenge of the titans because i like tower defence games and often you can find me playing pixeljunk monsters 2player with my godson on the ps3 at his house.

:-= brits pwn cos summer sucks so much =-:

anyway you have missed the chance to get millions of great games for the price of less than one because you are late and should have gotten up earlier. they do not say the early bird catches the worm for no reason. worms get up especially early and goto bed early too so that is why that is true. just ask my mates jim or his mrs phillipa or my mate beth what are coming round to play the walking dead game this weekend cos they finally released episode 3.

also please do not tell anyone that i said frozen synapse sucks because i went to the pub with the devs in nottingham which isnt far from me when it was released and we all had a party and drank girly cocktails and i kissed a lady and we all said it was a jolly good wheeze eh what old bean.

i think that particular rain effect is ok but if you reduce the RGB noise a bit it probably looks better. it is easy to reproduce if you also want to add the british effect to any of your pictures and it only takes a few seconds and i have even written some script-fu and uploaded it to gimp as a plug-in so you dont even have to follow instructions and im not even joking.

[Kelbert]

Daley Thompson's Decathalon

Perhaps you have already been paying attention at the back there and have already noticed that it is the paralympic games which isnt about jumping out of airplanes but they do have this one cool game that i will tell you about. right after you have put on the opening ceremony which was a bit cool but a bit sell out and so i feel ambivalent towards it:

http://youtu.be/KfmpxaLl6c4

idk not know why disabled people have to always make a big deal out of being disabled and then wonder why other people do and they dont like being made a fuss of.

it is the most amazing stephen hawking and orbital having a jam session. for real. way better than the regular olumpicses.
the really cool game i was telling you about is this one for blind people (i do a website for blind people who want to watch films - i prefer films you can listen to which is why the hunger games sucked so much even when you opened your eyes) where they all have blindfolds to make sure no-one is peeking cheating and then they have to stop a ball from getting into their goal.
they just listen for it.

so this reminded me of another retarded paralympic game that is called daley thompson so i did play it and found that you have to turn your ps3 remote to have digital buttons cos the analogue modes really screw the game up.
you could use the mouse i guess but what fun is that?

:-= the mouse is joining in so they dont notice they could be talking about her =-:

it would of course be way more fun to play it with a little 1 button atari joystick but i dont have one of those things.
i also played frogger which is pretty good and has some nice colours and hard bits after level 7 and also i played some more deus ex and arx fatalis because they are both class.
i cant get arx fatalis to work with the ps3 remote because it has too many controls to bind in order to play well. plus drawing the magic runes can prove difficult. means i have to sit on my office chair instead of my big comfy recliner but thats ok cos then i can play eufloria and zombie shooter 2 as well.

loremipsem is what you are supposed to put in blank spaces i read that one time.

[Kelbert]

Left 4 Dead

There is only one thing that I can say about left 4 dead right now:

:-= mother of mercy =-:

that is everything you need to know about that.

i wanna make a better spray, so i will be back to finish this later

[Kelbert]

Portal

If you have not ever played portal then i would say to you to go out and get a copy of it because it is one of the best games that i did play about 5 years ago which is ages in the past.
there is also a new game that has been talked about over the past few months and i think has been confirmed now that is called half life 3 that will hopefully be pretty good. i liked the other ones and i even got to play half life 2a and 2b after i did get the orange box.

valve make some good stuff but i hope that half life 3 will not be a prequel sequel because they are lame like the episodes of star wars that came a long time ago in a galaxy far far away that were not part of the original trilogy of which number 2 was the best and then it is a tie (heh, like tie fighter) between numbers 1 and 3 which are ok.
the rest are all shit and i advise that you do not watch them and join me in boycotting anything that does not have darth vader in it.

most people do not realise that portal is also a game from a long time ago in a galaxy far far away.

:-= cave paintings discovered near black mesa support the idea that portal is now an old game =-:

it is ok though because games like portal are what is known as "instant classics" and so that means people will become really snobbish about them and will make lots of videos and memes and wear tshirts with it on. i have a mousemat with it and also a tshirt because i am a fanboy and i cannot express myself except by displaying the creations of others on my person.

that is why i have no tattoos.

dota2 is not a game that i would wanna play however so valve failed with that one on the kelvin's interest scale of 1 to 10.

[Kelbert]

Intermission

Since i have not had much time for games lately except I Am Alive which is a bit like Shadow of teh Colossus and has nice confrontation mechanics and i am saving myself up for dishonoured there might be a brief interlude between reviews.

in the meantime i hope that you can enjoy these reviews of different subject matters:

:-= An Editorial about How Activision Don't Get It =-:



:-= A Critique on Inherit the Earth: Quest for the Orb =-:



:-= A Review of Me Posing Like a Baws =-:

i am entering a tekken tournament this saturday to win a copy of the game for xbox. i do not like xbox or even own one and my mate already has it but i can xchange it for a tshirt maybe.
i have never played it before so i am hoping to win 1st place and im not even joking. i get a figure for entering that i can melt with a magnifying glass so its win win for everyone.

would u believe it i have messed up the previews. again.